Posts Tagged ‘twisted humour’

What if Trump was literally being honest for once?

July 10, 2017

President Trump tweeted “Putin & I discussed forming an impenetrable Cyber Security unit so that election hacking, & many other negative things, will be guarded..” Consider the literal meaning (assume prescriptivist semantics apply) : Putin and Trump get an “impenetrable” unit protecting their election hacking etc from detection and publicity.

What if he is telling the truth this time? If hacking is being guarded, rather than guarded against?

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An International Unit of human stress

June 3, 2014

Stress is a measure of continued irritation (irritation over time).  It is commonly described as the sensation of the brain overruling one’s natural desire to get antisocial, and has measurable physical results such as increased cortisol levels and  reduced immune function.

Unit of irritation : 1  RED  = 1 Red-light Expedition Deferral –
The irritation of the moment when one is in a hurry and – just at the safe stopping point – the light goes red, so one knows one should stop.

Unit of Irritation over Time :  1 RED-hour = 1 Western Industrialised Student (WIS, pronounced “Whizz”) interacting with a neutral teacher for one hour on a sunny afternoon.

A level of average daily  stress associated with lapses of self-control, such as puns or comfort eating, is 9.8 WIS (1 g-WIS)

Yuletide OH&S

December 23, 2013

Various versions of this are going the rounds, and I like this one.

Work Health and Safety Christmas Message during this festive season –

Anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, is advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh.

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Advice against dashing has been issued and  a maximum speed of 10MPH recommended unless seat-belts are fitted.  This must be complied with.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, it is advised that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by those working as shepherds during this festive season and planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.  This must be briefed to all shepherds and copies of signatures recorded.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to our bribery policy and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual.  It is particularly noted that direct gifts of gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions, such as frankincense, myrrh and other  body & bath oils and salts.

Remember:  Contact your local Health and Safety Officer if you have any queries on Seasonal Health and Safety issues.

The Fat Man Is Coming … Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

December 16, 2013

There is a man you have never met –

though he has many “helpers” who dress in his uniform, use his name, and tell him what you do.  I have heard that any one of them could really be him.

He brings presents to the good people –

and we don’t talk about what happens to the bad ones.  I have heard that he has a helper called Black Peter who handles them, but that may just be a rumour.

He knows if you’ve been bad or good –

so be good for goodness’ sake!

He knows when you are sleeping, and will creep into your house when everyone is asleep –

even if you have no chimney and all the doors and windows are locked.  Parents never seem to hear a thing when he visits.

He will come into your room in the dead of night while you are asleep –

have you been really, really good all year?

Sweet dreams ….